that in life; all I really have is myself. Not in a messed up fuck the world and no one cares kind of way.
Just in the sense that everyone now treats me as an adult and I don’t have mommy and daddy to crawl back to if shit goes haywire.
I need to be accountable for myself and be able to provide for myself and if I get into deep shit.. well then thats all on me.
In a way I’ve always been on my own.. I mean I put myself through university and paid rent and did all of that - but there was always a part of me that KNEW that if it really came down to it.. they would have my back. If not them; then I had my older brother who would give his right arm just to see me happy. Not… that I want that.
In the last month however - my father had a stroke and my brother.. well he was recently ‘let go’ from his company. Both; terrible situations.
And I suppose it just was a big reality check for me. I’ve always been the youngest and the one who was the most spoilt and got everything in the blink of an eye.
Its weird to think… now… If i were to lose my job or just in general have any kind of financial instability… thats really just a tough luck situation.
Money isn’t ever going to compare to love or the relations you have with people.
I have been blessed with the most incredible life so far. I may not have a helicopter or lived in a gated community.. but it hasn’t been all bad either.
I am now a 23 year old woman who is in a semi-serious relationship. I mean we’re no where close to ceiling the deal or anything of that sort.. but a person sometimes just wants to feel that if all goes wrong.. and if its a worst case situation.. that your special someone will be there for you always. Maybe even forever.. I recently had a very drunken night and lay in bed thinking about what my life would be like if everything was stripped away from me. And somewhere deep down.. I almost felt like my boyfriend needed to say the words “I want to be with you forever” to feel like I was going to be okay or that he had somehow rescued me of my sorrows
With so many of my friends having babies and getting married I just began to wonder if maybe the reason people hurry into these things the way they do is because they are afraid.. of being alone.
Last year at this time I was seeing someone.. who I recently found out is getting married. This comes as a SHOCK to me because well.. as old as we may be.. I was his very first.
Seeing as he jumped from that… into marriage… puzzled me.
What is it about marriages that makes people feel like it is a safety blanket.
The idea of forever is nice.. but of course telling my boyfriend I want to possibly be with him ‘forever’ and actually doing it… are two completely separate things and vise versa.
My very best friend is also getting married.. to someone I have never met and have barely heard of. She met him almost about a year ago.. and I guess for her it was one of those “when you know; you just know” moments.
Maybe its different for everyone. I mean.. I personally don’t get it.. but if she’s happy then well so be it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes - life sucks. Shit happens and sometimes its miserable and you realize you are all alone in this world but at the end of the day - that is no reason to run into the arms of someone and think your sorrows will just go away.
I say this MAINLY because that is what I thought I wanted. I wanted someone to save me; and tell me they will be there forever and hold me in their arms and make it all just seem like white noise.
But what happens when that person one day leaves? Not by choice even perhaps.. what if one day life happens and you don’t have them anymore? What do you do then? Isn’t life better if you are the one that saves yourself. Isn’t it better if you pick yourself up and say look.. shit sucks now but you are incredible and strong and motivated and it will all be okay!
I think what I’ve learned from this whole experience is that rescuing yourself is more liberating than anything else. Sure; one day I will have all of the things I have wanted.. but I will not rush into things or do it for the sake of comfort but because I truly dearly love someone and most importantly - am ready for it!
My boyfriend (bless his soul) is the most tolerant man I have ever met. I sometimes do not know how or even why he puts up with half of the things he does. I truly and deeply from the bottom of my heart think I am so incredibly blessed to have found him. He challenges me in ways I didn’t even think were possible and he doesn’t sugar coat things for me. He gives it to me straight (hah pun intended) and sometimes I get really angry about it and think - why can’t you just say something if you know it will make me happy. But thinking about it now.. I’m so glad it is this way.
If I didn’t have to work for it… and if everything just came to me that easy I would never appreciate things as much. I don’t know about the future; I don’t know where life will take me or what I’ll end up doing or where I’ll end up living.
All I know is; there is no point dwelling in the past and there sure as hell is no point thinking about the future. Forever is not real. People often get into things and get so caught up in it that they forget what love even is anymore.
Having a life with someone I love and taking it one day at a time and learning to love each other more and more and having to work for it is something I am more than okay with.
Life is all about instability; nothing is constant and nothing will last forever. But if you are lucky enough; someone will walk into your life and challenge everything you have ever believed in and make you see life in a whole other perspective.